Ghosts
by tenaciouserr
Summary: Then he sees her beside him, leaning against the railing. He hasn't slept since god-knows when, so this hallucination of Elizabeth doesn't surprise him. Set directly after Lifeline, John Sheppard, John/Elizabeth.


After John guides Atlantis to safety, he finds himself on their balcony. It has always been their balcony, his and Elizabeth's. Colonel Carter comes out and speaks to him, he's only half there for the entire conversation. When Carter leaves he leans forward on the balcony, alone, the images of the day flashing before his eyes.

Then he sees her beside him, leaning against the railing. He hasn't slept since god-knows when, so this hallucination of Elizabeth doesn't surprise him. "Two moons," she says with a small nod, "that would have been surprising once." He doesn't respond, and she continues, "What will you call this planet?"

He remains silent for a long while, debating on the sanity of responding to someone who isn't there. "New Lantea, I guess," he cannot ignore her - even if she isn't her.

"Creative," she muses, a small smile quirking on her lips. "John, you did what you could," her voice is very quiet. His face collapses into his hands at that, his fingers rubbing through his hair and over the bags forming under his eyes.

"It wasn't good enough," he grumbles, "I couldn't... I couldn't..."

"I made the choice. You would have done the same thing if our positions were changed, any of us would have and you know it. My life was well-worth Atlantis being safe. Well-worth you being safe."

He shakes his head, "We need you, Elizabeth." When he looks to her he sees her make a faint smile at this, her eyes full of pain - can a hallucination feel pain? Then she is gone. He doesn't sleep that night, and the next day he keeps seeing her in flashes. When he eats lunch, she's there across the room, when he briefs the SGC she's sitting right beside him, when he's talking to Rodney and his attention drifts he sees her behind Rodney rolling her eyes at his long speech about Carter and how attractive she is.

He goes to Keller for sleeping pills, and the woman gives him a look of pity that makes him regret the choice immediately. He collapses against his bed with the pills in hand, but he doesn't open them. "Take them, John," she's standing over him.

He takes in her image, her curly hair and slight smile, her piercing gaze. "You'll be gone," he replies quietly, tossing the pills onto his night stand.

"I'm not here," she says. He can't argue with that. He also can't take the pills and cross the line back to sanity, not yet.

"Why this outfit, anyway?" She asks, motioning towards her standard uniform, which has never been flattering to her form. He turns his head to look at her with a smirk, and suddenly she's in a very revealing negligee. She looks down at herself in surprise, "See? This is more what I expected... wait, how do you know exactly what I look like?" She observes her legs in surprise, including a small scar just under her butt.

"You've seen me naked!" She accuses, glaring at him, "When?"

"Carson was pretty good about letting me stay with you when the nanites made you collapse," he grins, but there's a sadness in his voice at the memory, "even when they changed you." He looks at her again, and she's back in the uniform, "That may not be as sexy but it's very... you."

She grins at that, "What would the men here say if they knew you'd rather see me in this than naked?"

"What are you going to do, tell them?" He retorts, and then he laughs at the insanity of the situation. She frowns as if she's not in on the joke, and then sits on his bed. He isn't surprised when the bed makes no sign that it's actually being sat on.

"Take the pills, John," she says quietly. Her hand reaches out as if to touch him, but then stops and the realization of her loss hits him hard in the stomach. He grabs the pills and slams them against the wall then collapses back to his bed.

"John..." she drags out his name with the annoyance and light scolding that he's so used to. He closes his eyes and when he opens them she's gone.

The next time he sees her is a night later, when he makes his way to the balcony after not sleeping - again. "Shouldn't I be able to control you?"

She snorts at that, "Now you know the feeling." He knows she's talking about him, how hard he was to handle, and he laughs.

"You have to let me go," she says, "or if you want to save me - that's fine - but you can't keep killing yourself over this, John... you have to let yourself function now. Atlantis needs you."

"Atlantis has taken enough from me," he practically growls, "Atlantis can go to hell."

"You don't mean that," she says. His hands grip tightly around the railing, and despite the blinding rage he feels growing in his stomach he knows that she's right. She's always right, so that's fitting.

"You shouldn't have left, you shouldn't have done that... you aren't replaceable, Elizabeth," he's yelling now, and it makes him grateful that the balcony is sound-proof. "You could have run, or... or... something! God dammit, we need you!"

His hand rubs over his face and his voice lowers as the rage dissipates in place of raw honesty, "I need you, Elizabeth."

"John," she says quietly, there is no pity in her voice simply sadness and regret. She doesn't speak for a long moment, and he wonders if it's because his subconscious can't come up with the words she would say. Or if his subconscious isn't willing to comfort him with the words. "You've got to sleep, please take the pills. I'm not going to watch you do this to yourself," she finally says.

"You're not her," he laughs bitterly.

"She wouldn't want this to be what happens to you," she fills in quietly, "she let you go so you and Atlantis would be safe. You know that." He stares at her silently for a few moments, then his shoulders slouch forward and he nods.

They walk silently through Atlantis, she's by his side the entire time. When he enters his room she follows, pointing to where the pills have fallen against the wall. He picks them up and looks at her for a long minute before swallowing one of the pills and laying against his bed, his eyes still open to gaze at her. She smiles warmly at him, and lowers herself so that she's leaning over him, her face all he can see as her hair envelops him. He almost thinks he can smell her as he smiles back at her.

His eyes lock to hers, then as the pill kicks in they flutter shut. She leans forward and places a kiss on his forehead before she is gone. He knows that when he wakes she won't be there. But Atlantis still will be.

He'll find her, he thinks groggily before sleep takes him fully, but until then he'll watch over Atlantis.

He'll leave the light on for her.


End file.
